TUMBLR TALKING IN ALL CAPS

SEE PART OF THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU GOT A LOT OF THESE FILES HERE THAT YOU DON’T REALLY NEED. I CAN GET YOU SOME MORE MEMORY BUT THE BEST THING TO DO HERE IS CLEAR SOME OF THIS STUFF OUT, AND YOU MAY NOT HAVE SUCH A SLUGGISH BROWSING EXPERIENCE.

I’M PRETTY SURE IF I REBOOT THIS TIME… WE… OH. OH MAN.

LOOK, I DON’T WANT ANY TROUBLE BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE TO REPORT THIS, I MEAN, WOW. IS THAT PHOTOSHOPPED OR… I DON’T UNDERSTAND, IS SHE HOLDING IT UPSIDE DOWN OR IS THAT INSIDE… OH, OH SHIT MAN, THIS IS… THIS IS JUST INSANE.

LOOK, JUST CALL GEEK SQUAD FOR ME AND LET THEM KNOW I DIDN’T MAKE IT IN, I’M GOING TO LEAVE NOW AND WE’LL JUST SAY I WASN’T HERE, IS THAT COOL? I… LOOK, JUST GET SOME HELP OKAY?

OH, PEOPLE OFTEN ASSOCIATE WORMHOLES WITH BLACK HOLES, IT’S SO COMMON THAT IT’S AH-HEH-HEH, RIDICULOUS, SEE THE EXISTENCE OF BLACK HOLES HAS BEEN INFERRED BY THEIR EFFECT ON NEARBY MATTER, BUT ASTRONOMERS HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY OBSERVED WORMHOLES.

THE THEORY SUGGESTS THAT WORMHOLES ARE SHORTCUTS THROUGH SPACE AND TIME LINKING TWO POINTS. MOST PEOPLE THINK WORMHOLES ARE REAL BECAUSE OF SOME SCI FI MOVIE OR TV SHOWS.

WORM HOLES ARE ALSO ASSOCIATED WITH WHITE HOLES THIS WHOLE OTHER COSMIC OBJECT THAT EXISTS IN MATHEMATICAL THEORY, BUT ALSO HAS NEVER BEEN OBSERVED IN NATURE. SO TO ASSUME…

I’M SORRY, WHAT?

OH, THE RESTROOM IS DOWN THE HALL, SECOND DOOR ON YOUR RIGHT. I THOUGHT YOU SAID SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. 

OKAY WE GOT YOU ALL SET UP, PLEASE PUT YOUR THUMB PRINT HERE AND SIGN ITEMS ONE,TWO, ANNNDDD… THREE! FANTASTIC!

WELCOME ABOARD WITH THE COMPANY!

NOW, IF YOU CAN PROCEED TO CONFERENCE ROOM A FOR YOUR BADGE, THERE IS A PARKING PASS, ANAL PROBE, THEN A SHORT ORIENTA… I’M SORRY, WHAT?

YES, ANAL PROBE, THAT IS PART OF THE PROCESS…

WELL, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOU JUST SIGNED ITEM THREE AND MR. NAKITOYA IS VERY THOROUGH IN HIS EMPLOYEES.

SECURITY, PLEASE ESCORT OUR NEW HIRE PLEASE…

OH… MY… THEY ALWAYS THRASH.

OH, AND SECURITY, PLEASE HANG ON TO HIM WHEN HE FINDS OUT ABOUT THE MANDATORY SHAVING PORTION!

HOW MANY Y’ALL WANNA RIDE TONIGHT?

HOW MANY Y’ALL WANNA DIE TONIGHT?

HOW MANY YA’LL WANNA RIDE TONIGH… HUH, MOMMY? 

OH! APPA JOOCE PEASE, MOMMY! KAI! BYE BYE! LUB YOO!

(ahem)

I GOT COP AN’ CRASH MONEY, POP THE DASH MONEY

PRESS THE BUTTON ALL OF A SUDDEN GLOCK IN THE STASH MONEY…

THESE ARE NOT MY GLASSES

NO MOM I WILL NOT CALM DOWN. I WANT YOU TO PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES, OKAY?

I FINALLY DECIDE TO FLY HOME FOR A LONG WEEKEND EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW WORK AT THE FIRM HAS BEEN INSANE. ALL I ASKED WAS THAT YOU KEEP MICHAEL FROM PULLING HIS STUPID BULLSHIT. I DOUBT YOU EVEN TOLD HIM TO JUST LEAVE HIS IMMATURE PRANKS AT HOME.

I DON’T CARE THAT HE’S MY BROTHER, I WAS GONNA DONATE THIS HAIR TO
‘LOCKS OF LOVE!’ IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME! BUT NOOOO…

HE WAITS UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP AND PUTS IT ALL BACK ON WITH WOOD GLUE?!

THIS MAN IS A FATHER TO CHILDREN. CHILDREN! THOSE ARE MY NIECES THAT HE IS IN CHARGE OF.

JUST DRIVE ME TO THE AIRPORT AND STOP THE FAKE COUGHING I KNOW IT’S LAUGHING, DAD COULDN’T FOOL ME EITHER.

“OOOOH GURL, THIS. IS. MY. JAM!”

“I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THAT, GURLLL.”

“WE GONNA DO THIS SHIT?”

“OH. WE DOIN’ THIS SHIT.”

(both)

“‘CAUSE BABY YOU’RE A FIRRRRRE WORKKKK, COME ON, SHOW ‘EM WHAT YOU’RE WORRRTHHHHHH!”

“OKAYYY… WEB MD SAYS WE SHOULD GIVE YOU SOME BENADRYL AND IF THAT DOESN’T HELP, WE SHOULD GO TO THE E.R. OH, IT ALSO SAYS IT’S POSSIBLY FULL BLOWN AIDS.”

“MMPPH! GLRPPPHL!”

“HA! JUST KIDDING, BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU EVER GO TO THIS SITE? YOU COULD HAVE A STUBBED TOE AND THEY’LL TELL YOU IT’S PROSTATE CANCER…”

“FLRRRPPH! BRNNGGRAUH!”

“LOOK, BUDDY, YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALLERGIC TO STRAWBERRIES. JUST BECAUSE A KEN DOUBLE DOG DARED YOU TO EAT ONE, DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO, IDIOT. CHRIST! YOU’RE A GROWN ASS MAN…”

“MRRNLPHHH!”

“ALRIGHT, WE’LL GO TO THE E.R. BUT LET ME CHECK MY FACEBOOK REALLY QUICK, MY PHONE IS DEAD. HOLY CRAP. BRIANA JUST UPDATED HER STATUS TO ‘SINGLE!’ I HAVE GOT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS!”

LOOK, I KNOW IT’S POLICY TO FILL THIS OUT, BUT AS YOU CAN SEE, MY SITUATION IS A LITTLE UNIQUE.

WHAT I’M SAYING IS DISCRETION IS A LITTLE IMPORTANT HERE, OKAY?

MA’AM, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? I’M SORRY YOU DON’T HAVE A PET THAT YOU LOVE MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. I’M SYMPATHETIC THAT YOU DON’T KNOW THE KIND OF LOVE WHERE USING SUPER GLUE TO BE CLOSER TO YOUR DOG MADE SENSE.

WELL, IT WAS PROBABLY THAT EIGHTH IRISH CAR BOMB, BUT… LOOK, CAN YOU JUST GET ME A DOCTOR?

YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW YOU, I’M SUING THIS STUPID HOSPITAL AND YOUR STUPID E.R. I BET YOU GET GUYS IN HERE WITH ALL SORTS OF STUFF STUCK IN THEIR BUTTS, AND YOU’RE GONNA LAUGH AT ME? AT US?

WE ARE SO OUT OF HERE AFTER YOU DIRECT ME TO THE FAMILY RESTROOM…

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO, MARTHA? HMMM?

ALL I DO IS FIGHT. I DO IT WHEN I WAKE UP AND TRUDGE THROUGH A BLEAK DAY, AND I DO IT WHEN I REST MY WEARY BONES IN THE BED WE SHARE AT NIGHT.

I’M NOT HAPPY. YOU CAN TAKE IT PERSONAL AND HATE ME FOR IT, BUT A RATIONAL, CALMER REACTION COULD BE PITY.

I KNOW I HAVE BEEN DISTANT. I KNOW I HAVEN’T LAUGHED LIKE I DID IN THE CITY, BUT I NEED… I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE TIME. MAYBE JUST WAITING OUT THIS FESTERING SORE OF UNCERTAINTY IS WHAT I NEED.

AS RIDICULOUS AS IT SOUNDS, I THINK I LOVE YOU MORE THAN EVER.

BUT THE SAD TRUTH?

I MAY NEVER GET PAST THE FACT THAT YOU WASHED MY BLANKY WITH THE COLORS.

IT’S RUINED, AND I NEED TIME TO BELIEVE I’M NOT RUINED EITHER.